Testimony~

I have been thinking for sometime on writing some testimony of mine here on this webpage. There is really so much I have gone through that to sit and write it all would be probably impossible. But, I can definatley testify on what the LORD is doing in my life right now, in regards to my salvation and some of what I have been through in my life.
It starts with a 17 year old girl that was pregnant, and had an abortion.
That girl was me.
I was a runaway, living with a boyfriend. A guy 2 years older than me, under house arrest, at his dad's house. It was bad.
I got pregnant. I found out. As soon as I found out, I burst into tears full of fear, full of pain, full of guilt.
I did not know what to do to provide for a child. I did not have anyone to turn to for any kind of "moral" support.
I turned to someone, and, unfortunatly, they advised me to have an abortion. And because I had no other "choice", by means of intervention or support -(my family had divorced 5 yr.s prior and my parents never talked, even to this day they do not talk to each other)-
I decided to have an abortion.
Deep down I didn't want to have an abortion. But I didn't have anybody or anyone to consider the alternatives, or to figure out how to make it in this life with a baby.
No one!
In fact, after I had made the choice, I didn't even tell anybody except the three or four people who knew. I didn't think I needed to.
The day came- and I can truly say I believe that having an abortion was the worst decision I have ever made.
But In some way, I don't feel completly responsible for making that decision. I just wish that I had had more fortitude at the time to stand up for myself and run out of that office like I had wanted to.
And, believe me, I wanted to.
After that, and I mean immediatly after I woke up- all I thought about was wanting to go back to sleep. All I wanted to do was be "out of my mind". So I started using drugs. I had been around drugs before. I had done them - but now I just wanted to escape - escape my reality - escape my mistake- escape my pain. my shame. and my sorrow.
I really believe that abortion is deeply opposing to what the true nature of a woman is. And I think it affects men who are involved just as deeply.
I cannot express what it has been like trying to get over the grief, the shame, the anxiety, the self-loathing and the pain of what I have experienced.
But I was bold enough one day very recently to talk to a lady online who was making prayer request for a "friend's daughter who was considering having an abortion".
I typed a prayer right away.
Then she posted back and sounded a bit (in my opinion) doubtful for the girl. So I wrote her back and told her she needed to step in.. and tell the girl this and that- she needed to DO SOMETHING to help that girl, to stop her from making such a horrible painful bad choice.
We wrote back and forth about 4 or 5 times for a week, and then one day I checked to see if she wrote me back. And what she wrote was not what I had expected.... but she wrote and asked me if I needed a healing. She asked me... if I had been completely healed from the abortion that I had... she said I was angry... she showed me things that I didn't really see.
Yeah, I knew I was angry- I knew I still (have) pain- but I didn't see at the time that the LORD was (and IS) dealing with my heart, He wants to heal my pain.
And that is what He has been doing. It hasn't been too long ago.. only a couple of weeks...
I had borrowed a book about healing from abortion about a week before all of that happened. I hadn't even picked it up to read it; but after communicating with the lady online, and sensing the LORD's desire for me... in the fact the He didn't give up on persuing me- to heal me.
How can I say... what a Wonderful God we have!
And the first night I spent with Him, since He began this healing and recovery in my soul, I have had a PEACE that I have not FELT in OVER 10 years.
seriously!
I have been so blessed... I did not even KNOW what was missing in me.
It hasn't been fully set in me... sometimes I turn to the LORD and feel it again... but I am trusting the LORD to make it a permanent healing, and a permanent peace, a SHALOM peace, in me.
Shalom means "perfect peace'' in Hebrew.
That is what I am truly hoping for.
As well as being able to come out of the walls of isolation and hiding for fear of no one understanding me... or the pain I have carried with me since I was a little thing.
( I think now 17 years old is like so young!!! I'm almost 30! yikes!)
You know... I could look at it like... so much has been wasted... so much I could have had... I could blame God, I could never want to get better... but I do.
I realize... and I'm thankful and grateful that at least I can be healed! At least I am saved now! I may have lost a few years, but I now have the rest of my life to live with God through Jesus Christ~ I still have time to get married and have a family. And.. sin is not God's fault. I am thankful that He reached down from heaven and saved me... and loved me.... and that He didn't give up on healing me. And HE is With me.
And I LOVE Him.
~