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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

# 2

So I want to say, that after writing my last post (tonight), I decided to read some of the Word and I opened my Bible to Hebrews the end of chapter 6, and it was really encouraging... to not lose faith or hope, and it reminded me that God IS always faithful and will keep the promises he made me.
In my life I have figured out that I tend to retain feelings and thoughts and so writing became an outlet for me to get free. SO, I don't like to post such negative things all the time (referring to the last post) but to be honest, life has it's ups and downs. God is in them all... I feel better now though. Hopeful... Because I know that my God is Faithful. And True.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Challenging Faith or Challenging Myself?

My life as been so perfectly imperfect, sometimes I ask if it will ever be ... what I hope or desire or expect or want it to be. Without trying to sound pathetic, I must admit, at least 50% of the time I think, I ponder my troubles that just never seem to leave me. I try to "forgive" the people who have hurt me, but they continue to do so, or I never find consolation with their resolve and I feel like I'm left hanging... with such lack... with no one to fill their place.
And then, I have tried, like so many people I have met at churches and things say, Jesus will fill that empty place.
I pray, I talk to Him... but... I still feel empty.

I feel like there is something eternally wrong with me, and no matter what I do or say, or try, it is never Right (yeah, with a capital R ).
I try to praise Him (and in my heart I do and I AM grateful and thankful), but sometimes it feels so fake... I mean, you can't DENY your pain when you praise Him... I guess that is what I am trying to find out, or ... accept. God is good.. but, my life may not always be. I have things, but oftentimes, my heart aches. My soul.... I feel misunderstood... I feel like no one even cares to Try to understand.
I feel alone.
Most times being alone doesn't bother me.... but... I guess certain situations that I expect or desire to be... more unified, at failure, make me feel, solitary.
So small in such a big world..
And I see so much of what other people, other happy people have... and I question why can't my life be so?
Why can't I have what every healthy whole normal person wants in life?
Why is my life vexed with this vexation?
Is it me, or is it God?
Am I wrong for doing what I can? I ask Him for help, for guidance...for answers...
I guess I am so blind? I hate my own lack of humility. But how can a person try to be humble?
Who am I, or who do I think I am? that I am not. Who I want to be......
God help me!